we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
