Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
