when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
