my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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