the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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