I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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