Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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