dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
