I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize