I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
