Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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