dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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