Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
