Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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