If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
