I like my sex mixed with concussions.
high people should be assigned attendants
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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