Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i've created a new STD.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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