when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
