I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
