I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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