Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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