Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize