we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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