Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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