I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
