we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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