New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
