Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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