Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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