wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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