I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
