he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
