his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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