I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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