You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
