I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Bring me that man meat
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
