You just made me feel so damn special
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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