Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
