I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize