I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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