My hand turned me down
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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