Where are you?
In a non slutty way
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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