The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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