After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
