mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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