Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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