The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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