Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
3pm strippers are depressing
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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