i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
