k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
