she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
