Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize