last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize