You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
