she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
should my penis look like a turkey
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
