hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
