No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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