I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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