I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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