My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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