I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
