I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
