so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
