you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
